Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 HAS to be the year to punch out cancer in our world! Happy New Year!!!

Pink...I HATE pink but if it takes wearing pink to kick cancer's butt, I will do it.

Counting my blessings!!!

It's New Year's Eve and I woke up this morning to go to the gym and thought about all of the things I have to be grateful for.  I woke up not in pain this morning, I slept really well last night, I don't have to think about the results for three days and can "let it go" for a bit........it feels so good!  Lynn thinks it's because she is here.  I think that when they did the biopsies that they got the cancer out.  (ok, so we're BOTH delusional!!!)

That being said, there is so much good in this world and in my life.  Like I have said before the outpouring of support is overwhelming.  I wish I could list here all of the words and messages that I have received.  I feel bad for mentioning just a few because I hate it if you felt YOUR message didn't also touch me too.  Please know that they do.  Here's a few that have warmed my heart.......one family received a candle from me last Christmas and they have it out and every night they are lighting the candle, saying a prayer, and will do it until I am cancer free.  Another friend said yesterday at 8:00 when I was getting my biopsies that he was going to get his nipple pierced in support.....I have a feeling this didn't happen but I got a good chuckle out of it.  This from a former student:

"Ms. Tetens,
I am working as a senior clinical cancer scientist at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Institute in Nashville, TN. I am assigned to both breast and lung cancer clinical trials. The research and outcomes that I am seeing are incredibly positive.
Rest assured that I will work twice as hard knowing that this has affected someone with whom I have great respect for.

You will absolutely beat this.

The reason?

You inspired hundreds of kids to go on and accomplish their goals in life. By planting those seeds, you have built an army of prayers and thoughts that will absolutely aid you in achieving yours.

Reflect inward. Stay positive. Kick it's ass."



















How can I possibly be pissed at a God who gives me such incredible people in my life.  I feel for cancer patients without.....a family who helps no matter what, a huge school family, neighbors, girlfriends from high school, a small town community, and friends all across the country.  I think that once this is done, finished, gone, and cured I just may have found something to do during retirement......supporting other cancer patients who are not as fortunate as I am to have this lever of support.

Yes, I have MANY, MANY things to be grateful for.  Happy New Year everyone!!!!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Post BB

Ok, good news is that it's all done, wasn't bad at all....I even watched the whole thing on theultra sound machine....incredible!!!  The bad news is that Connie's ankle IS broken, poor thing.  I told her that I think that she's just jealous because I am getting all the attention right now!  Not really, she is home and resting and I get to take care of her.  She said no, not sure why but she doesn't want me to hover over her.  : )  To bad, I am going to anyways!

They did three biopsies.  They numbed things so it didn't hurt hardly at all.  The doctor and three ladies were so nice there, explaining what they were doing, answering question and just plain being kind.  The big mass they stuck some tubie thing in (how do you like my medical terminology???) and then stuck a needle in and had a little gun like thing that shot into the mass and took a plug out.  Thy did this five times.  Then they did a different procedure with the lymph node.  There they just stuck a needle in and sucked out some cells.  They did this twice.  They also found a third mass (don't think this is cancer but they wanted to check) and they sucked out some cells from this one too.  I didn't look at the boob while they were doing this....I am not stupid, but I did watch the ultra sound machine and could see the needles going into my boob.  I did ask after it was all done to see the needles and the stuff they took out of me.  The needles were soooooooo long, glad I didn't see them before.

They seem to be pretty sure that the mass is cancer but will know early next week what kind, severity, and what stage.  They believe it is fairly aggressive since it came on so fast but that doesn't mean they can't do something.  I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday at 2:40 to come up with a plan.  I have the option of waiting till then to find out the results or can call them Monday to find out.  I am still thinking about that.  I am leaning towards knowing what it is Monday, having time to process things and write down questions before meeting with the surgeon.  Have time to think.

I pick up Lynn at the airport this afternoon.  I plan to enjoy my weekend and have a great New Year's.  Please feel free to post comments, questions........I'm not ready for stories and advice yet but will let you know as I know more and am able to grasp what I am up against.  In the meantime, I feel so much better because we are one step closer to knowing the facts.

Pre BB (breast biopsies)

Fear is a powerful thing.  I am afraid.  Logically I know this makes sense but even when I try to stop, I am still so totally consumed with fear that I don't know what to do.  I listen to music to help me stop thinking at night. Focusing on something else usually helps but last night, even with faith, even knowing that doctors will do whatever they can, even knowing that I won't know a thing today, the fear was overwhelming.

It's a little after 5:00.  I just got a call from my sister who went in to work early so that she can leave to be with me.  She desperately needs hip replacement surgery and is in constant pain but of course is putting everything off because of me.  She was walking across the parking lot, said it was a sheet of ice but she was moving slowly, but she fell anyways.  She's now in the emergency room at U of M Hospital....I'm going to St. Joe's (they are checking to see if her ankle is broken) and won't be able to be with me.  I don't care about that because a friend is also going along but listening to my sister cry on the phone because she can't be with me just tears at my gut.  Please pray it's not broken.

I guess I am not thinking about myself right now!  That's good huh?  I plan to wear my I Pod this morning and listen to music during the two biopsies. I will keep me eyes shut tight. I will not look at a single thing.  Have a told you that I have a REAL aversion to needles.  I am sure the one they are going to stick in my boob is at least 7 inches long.  Shit, shit, shit......I think I need to come up with a better word for this!  If I want to I can watch the ultra sound while they are going to do it.


NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What do I need?

I have had well over 100 e-mails and calls from family and friends wondering what I need and want.  The sheer number of people supporting me is so overwhelming and humbling.  I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who care and want to help.  I am certain that I don't deserve it but am grateful beyond words.

My best friend Lynn is coming from Florida to stay with me.......it's not bad enough to have cancer, now she has to live here.....  : )  My sister and family is also wonderful so I have plenty of people around.

I don't need food (I had a marathon cooking session yesterday and have enough meals for a long time....told myself that God won't let me die until the food is gone......I DO have to have a sense of humor about this).  Obviously if I am facing surgery, being as healthy as possible is really important so I am sticking with my diet and exercise plan and really hoping to lose some weight before the surgery.  While I love the fact that so many of you want to feed me, I need to stick to what works.

The only other thing I need is your prayers which I already know I have, your friendship which I love, and your belief that this is going to be beatable.

I was pissed at God!

and if I am to be honest, I still am a little bit........... but let me tell you why I am not SO pissed right now.  At first I thought why the heck have I been busting my butt to lose weight and get healthy for the past several years if this is what it's going to be.  But my friend Tony reminded me that maybe God knew this was going to happen and he knew that I couldn't handle being as heavy as I used to be.  Now (even though I still have a ways to go) I CAN take this on and fight it because I am healthier.

I also struggled with whether or not to retire last spring.  After putting the decision in God's hands, I did decide to retire and once again I do believe that God has a plan for me.  Having to leave school, the wonderful staff and kids is hard enough but if I was still the principal it would be even harder.

Early in December Chloe and I took a "road trip" to St. Louis and Omaha to see several friends I hadn't seen in a long time.  I was a wonderful trip and I am so glad I was able to go.  Again, there's something there.

And finally, the overwhelming support I have received since sharing my news has been nothing short of a miracle.  Thanks to you all God is being bombarded with prayers and messages that despite the fact that I am no where near perfect, am a pain in the butt sometimes, and drive people crazy (especially my sister), I still have tooooooo much to do and toooooo many things I need to do so God better start listening to all of us!

All this being said, I am still pissed.  I am working through it, trying to put my faith and belief in him.  It's hard and I am struggling but I have no choice to believe that God has a plan for me and things will be fine.....I just pray it will be the "fine" that I want.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Waiting Game

I was supposed to wait two weeks for the biopsies (the holidays and the fact that they are so booked) but after meeting with my family doctor on Thursday the 23rd, I was determined to get in sooner.

News from my doctor.....I asked lots of questions and wanted honesty.  He said it's really bad.  There are four things going on that make it bad...... 1. The size of the mass.  It's big.  2. The speed at which it came up.  3.  They feel that lymph nodes are also involved which means it could be in other places. 4.  The skin on my breast is also involved.  STUPID CANCER!

Called the hospital on Monday, told them I was scared, worried, thinking my body is changing every day, and really didn't want to wait two weeks.  The problem is that they will be doing two biopsies, one of the mass and one of the lymph nodes which requires two appointments ad more time.......have I told you yet that I am terrified of needles??????

My plea must have worked because later in the day they called me and were able to switch the appointment.  I will have the biopsies this Thursday morning, December 30th, and the meeting with the surgeon (if all the reports are completed) will be next Tuesday afternoon, January 4th.

shit, shit, shit

Sorry but that's where this story begins.  I walked out of the mammogram and ultra sound appointment on Wednesday, December 22nd after hearing the news that they believe that I have breast cancer.  I was in shock, not prepared to hear this, didn't think they could look at a picture and "know" but I guess they can.

The story really begins a week earlier.  On Tuesday, December 14th my left shoulder and boob (sorry, the word will appear lots of times so get over it) hurt.  I had a personal training session the day before and I thought that I had pulled something or worked too hard.  It wasn't a "bad" feeling because I work out really hard and its not unusual to be a bit sore.  I let it go but when I woke up Wednesday morning while showering I felt what seemed to be a golf ball sized lump on my left boob......scared the beegejesus out of me.  I decided that I should call and see if I could get a mammogram because it was a litle over a year since my last one.  I know, I know!

I called St. Joe's and they said that the didn't have an opening for several weeks (THIS is a problem and one that I think we need to work on!!!) I called my family doctor and went in Thursday.  She was concerned enough that she got me an appointment for Wednesday, December 22nd which meant waiting six days to get in.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I am not too patient, like to be in control and know what's going on.  Oh my, this is REALLY going to test my patience.....a lesson from God?  Perhaps but we will talk about God later.

Ok so Wednesday I went in not thinking they'd do anything but the two tests and BOOM, they dropped the "C" word on me.  I was scared, shaking, confused, all at the same time.  I listened to what the guy said and was so confused.

TBC