Only two to go......

My brother Bob was my chemo buddy today (Connie had to work) and he said he would be honored to do it as long as he didn't have to see me naked!  Wierdo!!!

He was a good chemo buddy even though he didn't bring me any snacks and he played a race car game on his I Pad WAAAAAYYYYY to much.

My Garden

I am the most NON green thumb person I know.  I have one house plant that I am doing a good job of killing as I write this.  Now why would a person who has no natural talent for growing things decide to have a vegetable garden this summer????

I usually go away for much of the summer but because of the upcoming medical crap, I can't go away this summer.  I decided that I need something to occupy my mind and occupy my time.  Along with some of my neighbors, we have put together some raised beds and started gardens.


I've spent several evenings getting the beds ready and getting the plants planted.  I can barely move my body tonight but the garden is looking very nice if I d say so myself!!!  Here's a few pictures taken from the inside (since the weather seems to be not cooperating too well).  I will post some better ones when it stops raining.

I will have tomatoes, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, zucchini, summer squash, onions, a raspberry bush, and some strawberries.

Even though I have never done something like this before, I am REALLY excited.

Three more....long day...tired.

Can you tell we're related???

Tim decided a while back that he was tired of fussing with his hair and he shaved it short.  Of course I made fun of him....little did I know that one day I would look just like him!  Ha!  Here's a picture of us on our recent trip to Atlanta.

I made the decision to not wear a wig on this trip....just too much work and Tim was ok with it!  It is interesting the reaction you get without hair.  It makes me wonder if before I lost my hair if I looked funny or noticed people without hair.  I bet I did.  It's not that people are being mean, it's the stares that surprise me.  I guess I forget that I look different so when people look, I forget why.

Going through security at the airport in Atlanta was interesting too.  The screener asked if I would take off my hat and I said "I'd rather not." and he was ok with that but the guy by the machine said that I had to pat my hat down so I lifted up my hat, showed him that there was nothing hidden, and he quickly rushed me through.  Adults are so uncomfortable with things like this.

Kids on the other hand are up front and out there.  The second graders came to visit Symons and one second grader as he was leaving came up to me and asked, "Are you bald?" and I said "Yup."  He smiled and said, "Ok."

I am learning so much about myself, about life, and about people throughout this process.  It's life-changing in so many ways, most of them good!

Holy Cow.... only FOUR left!

Just spent a long weekend in Atlanta with Con, Bill, Greg, Grandma Koczman, and Aunt Doris.  Aimee and Jason were there too.  We went to visit Tim and celebrate his graduation from the University of Georgia where he got his MBA.  We are all so proud of him not to mention that he maintained a 4.0 throughout the entire Master's program.....hard to do but he's a hard worker!  Picture of us will be posted as soon as Aimee and Connie get them to me.

While there we toured the CNN building, went to the Georgia Aquarium, went to a Braves game, went to the Georgia Botanical Gardens, can't remember what else, and walked everywhere......seriously.  I was soooo tired (all of us were) but it was so very worth it to be all together.

Chemo went well once again.    : )

We're down to five treatments!

HOORAY!!!  Chemo went well again.  Blood counts a little off but that's to be expected.  I was talking to Con on the way to the hospital about the fact that my eyelashes and eyebrows are going too and that I look butt ugly (no, I am not fishing for compliments).  Con informed me that I was not that pretty before all of this....or something similar, although she will deny it!

When we went to see Dr. Beekman I told her that her stupid medicine was making my eyelashes fall out and I told her what Connie said....she got good chuckle out of that.  I asked her if she could give Connie some "happy pills" like she gave me since she is being mean to me.  Don't think she is going to.

June 13th is the last treatment.  Time IS passing.  I like that!

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the mothers of the world, happy, happy day whether you are a mother of children, dogs, a school full of children..........no matter, you still make a difference.  It's been a lovely weekend.  The sun sure does make a difference in how you feel.  Chloe and I have gone for many nice walks this weekend.


I have an abundance of birds at my feeders right now.  My favorites are the goldfinches.  They are beautiful and so pretty to watch.

Lots to be grateful for.....keep looking to find things to continue the positive thoughts.  Yesterday I talked with a lady at the gym.  Don't know her name but we've said hi to every Saturday for as long as I can remember (guess I should ask her name huh?).  Anyways, she stopped me as I was leaving and asked about what is going on with me.  In talking to her I found out that her sister-in-law is going through the exact same thing that I am going through.  Same cancer, same treatment, same doctor.......strange isn't it.  She's about a month ahead of me but has had much more difficulty with being sick and so once again, I am so GRATEFUL that I am tolerating chemo so well.  Need to remember that when I am feeling frustrated......could be so much worse.

Going to spend lots of time outside today.  Think I will get my bike tires pumped up and go for a ride.  It's WAAAYYYYYYY to nice to exercise inside.

Or maybe a little nap in the sun would be a good idea.  So many options.  Hmmmmm!

Weight, Dieting, Health........I'm screwing up!

I have cancer.  I cannot control that, but I am also fat, have gained a BUNCH of weight back that I worked so hard to lose, and THAT I CAN CONTROL.  There are days that I don't feel good and just don't care what I eat but for the most part chemo hasn't affected my appetite so that's not an excuse.  I am trying to appreciate the good things about chemo (and the fact that it could be so much harder).....one friend who works in the district is also battling cancer and was at chemo the past two weeks with me....he has lost so much weight (ok, so I may secretly have prayed that would happen to me), he has had to have all of his teeth removed, and he is really struggling but is still hanging in there.  I have NO excuse!

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself.  I keep making excuses and keep gaining.  I do good for a day or two and then stop and go back to my old habits.  The roller coaster of success and failure gets me down and it gets harder and harder each time to get back up and try again.  I feel like I am letting myself down, Tony down, the doctors down.......it's driving me crazy yet if I am honest with myself, I know exactly what to do.

Talked with Tony (the F.A.S.T. Diet guru) today finally.  Working with him over the past several years helped me get under 200 pounds.  Unfortunately I started making exceptions and excuses last summer and started gaining back weight.  Can't blame the cancer on that one!  He pisses me off because he knows me so well but he gave me lots to think about and I have to decide that it's time to get back in control.

I know logically that losing weight before surgery will only help me and make surgery easier.  I have 77 days until surgery.  If I get serious and do what I KNOW I can do (because I did it before), I can make a huge dent on losing what I have put back on.  I am angry that I have to re-lose weight again but as Tony said, that's the cards I've been dealt and I just have to get on with it.

So here's what I plan to do.......(in case anyone wants to join me, it would be great) I am going to start tracking my food, I am going to push myself to get in my exercise every day (even on days when I feel like crap I have to do something) and I am going to check in with Tony every day.  I have to be accountable to myself and get something started before I spiral out of control and gain everything back that I lost...now THAT would be a real shame.

I know if I get back in control of my food the mental relief will help me in so many ways.  I need this.  I want this.  I will do this.  I have control over this part of my life!!!

TBC....hopefully soon you'll be seeing less of me.

Six More Weeks To Go

Not bad huh? 77 days till surgery. Five months till radiation. Seven or more months for more reconstructive surgery. Time is passing........sometimes WAYYYY to slow for me but it is passing.

One day at a time right? When I first started chemo it was five MONTHS. Now I just have six weeks left to go. There are days when it seems insurmountable but then there are days I see that time is moving and I am surviving.

So incredibly tired and achy tonight. Please sleep, come to me now!

Later......it's going on 1:00 and I am still awake.  Chloe has decided that she is going to be sick tonight.  So far she has gone outside and eaten grass three times and has yet to throw up.  COME ON BABY....puke!!!    I'm supposed to be getting up as 5:35 and going to the gym with Paula.  Not sure if that will happen (sorry Paula if I bail on you......I really need to go though so we shall see.

Don't wanna go to..........

As a kid I remember complaining that I didn't want to go to school on Monday.  As a teacher I remember complaining that I didn't want to go to work on Monday.  Now I am saying that I don't want to go to chemo on Monday.  I sense a similar pattern here!

I think the chemo is just getting harder and harder so I am not looking forward to doing it again even though I don't have the option.  I sure wished the sun would come out today.  That would help me feel less funky!  Don't have control over that either.  Hmmmmmmm!