Weight, Dieting, Health........I'm screwing up!

I have cancer.  I cannot control that, but I am also fat, have gained a BUNCH of weight back that I worked so hard to lose, and THAT I CAN CONTROL.  There are days that I don't feel good and just don't care what I eat but for the most part chemo hasn't affected my appetite so that's not an excuse.  I am trying to appreciate the good things about chemo (and the fact that it could be so much harder).....one friend who works in the district is also battling cancer and was at chemo the past two weeks with me....he has lost so much weight (ok, so I may secretly have prayed that would happen to me), he has had to have all of his teeth removed, and he is really struggling but is still hanging in there.  I have NO excuse!

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself.  I keep making excuses and keep gaining.  I do good for a day or two and then stop and go back to my old habits.  The roller coaster of success and failure gets me down and it gets harder and harder each time to get back up and try again.  I feel like I am letting myself down, Tony down, the doctors down.......it's driving me crazy yet if I am honest with myself, I know exactly what to do.

Talked with Tony (the F.A.S.T. Diet guru) today finally.  Working with him over the past several years helped me get under 200 pounds.  Unfortunately I started making exceptions and excuses last summer and started gaining back weight.  Can't blame the cancer on that one!  He pisses me off because he knows me so well but he gave me lots to think about and I have to decide that it's time to get back in control.

I know logically that losing weight before surgery will only help me and make surgery easier.  I have 77 days until surgery.  If I get serious and do what I KNOW I can do (because I did it before), I can make a huge dent on losing what I have put back on.  I am angry that I have to re-lose weight again but as Tony said, that's the cards I've been dealt and I just have to get on with it.

So here's what I plan to do.......(in case anyone wants to join me, it would be great) I am going to start tracking my food, I am going to push myself to get in my exercise every day (even on days when I feel like crap I have to do something) and I am going to check in with Tony every day.  I have to be accountable to myself and get something started before I spiral out of control and gain everything back that I lost...now THAT would be a real shame.

I know if I get back in control of my food the mental relief will help me in so many ways.  I need this.  I want this.  I will do this.  I have control over this part of my life!!!

TBC....hopefully soon you'll be seeing less of me.

Six More Weeks To Go

Not bad huh? 77 days till surgery. Five months till radiation. Seven or more months for more reconstructive surgery. Time is passing........sometimes WAYYYY to slow for me but it is passing.

One day at a time right? When I first started chemo it was five MONTHS. Now I just have six weeks left to go. There are days when it seems insurmountable but then there are days I see that time is moving and I am surviving.

So incredibly tired and achy tonight. Please sleep, come to me now!

Later......it's going on 1:00 and I am still awake.  Chloe has decided that she is going to be sick tonight.  So far she has gone outside and eaten grass three times and has yet to throw up.  COME ON BABY....puke!!!    I'm supposed to be getting up as 5:35 and going to the gym with Paula.  Not sure if that will happen (sorry Paula if I bail on you......I really need to go though so we shall see.

Don't wanna go to..........

As a kid I remember complaining that I didn't want to go to school on Monday.  As a teacher I remember complaining that I didn't want to go to work on Monday.  Now I am saying that I don't want to go to chemo on Monday.  I sense a similar pattern here!

I think the chemo is just getting harder and harder so I am not looking forward to doing it again even though I don't have the option.  I sure wished the sun would come out today.  That would help me feel less funky!  Don't have control over that either.  Hmmmmmmm!

The Mind.........

Seven treatments to go.  Today went really fast.  I hadn't slept well last night so I slept during chemo (sorry Con) but she had to wake me up one time for a little snore.

Last night was one of those nights.  Had a great Easter with my sister and family (minus Timothy) even though I missed my brother and his family.  However, when it was time to sleep, it just didn't happen.  For whatever reason the meds I am taking to help me sleep just did NOTHING.  Wide awake for a long, long time.  Thinking a great deal about death over the past few weeks.  I have always had issues/fears/concerns... about death but things over the past few weeks have brought it to the forefront.  One friend recently lost her husband to cancer, another friend lost her adult son to suicide, and another family lost their much loved family dog.

Its not that I am naive enough to believe that death isn't part of life.  I know that I could walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a car.  I know that people die all of the time.  I get that.  I just don't want to die for a VERY, VERY long time and I am scared that if my cancer doesn't get stopped, I won't be able to be here to do the things I still want to do.

I am ok tho, I'm here, alive, feeling good after chemo (those steroids are so nice), and getting sleepy.  Life is good tonight!!!

Kids Who Make A Difference!

We all too often hear about all of the bad things going on in the world and especially of the negative things kids do.  We have LOTS of great kids in Milan and here's something special about one of them!!!


It's a picture of Lia Iverson, a fourth grader from Symons, who has been in my after school health and fitness program for the past two years and decided to have her hair cut off and donate it to "Locks of Love" in my honor.  She's a really special young lady and comes from a great family.  


Here's a great picture Lia's dad took of us today with her hair!  I am deeply touched and honored by Lia's incredible gift.  It's something I will never forget.  


Thanks Lia!  I love that you care about others.  You are a special young lady and I love you.

Eight down, eight to go, halfway through chemo....YES!!!

Met with the doctor today and she seems to think the tumor is changing and is pleased.  I haven't felt much difference but was glad that since she hasn't seen me in an month and saw/felt some changes, I have to believe and trust that it's getting smaller.

Was also able to talk with her about the emotional aspect (she says I am VERY normal) and we are trying yet another thing that may help me sleep.  Hope so.

Lynn went with me to chemo (gave Con a break today although we were texting most of the time so she couldn't have had much of a break.)  It was scheduled for 11:00 which was much later than usual and they didn't get to me until noon so it made for a very long day but everything went well.

I am 57 today....hooray!!!

Started the day at the gym....only negative so far was having to put "57" on the treadmill instead of "56."  Ha!!!

I decided to write about what I have to be grateful for.  Here's some of the reasons I came up with to celebrate today.................

1.  I AM ALIVE

2.  I have a great sister and brother and other supportive family members too

3.  I have three darling nephews (I don't see nearly enough but enjoy them when I do)

4.  I have so many incredibly thoughtful caring friends who are helping me fight this stupid cancer

5.  Getting cancer has finally helped get me to the doctor and not be so afraid (I still don't like it though)

6.  I am not so afraid of needles anymore

7.  I am surviving chemo with very few side effects

8.  I have a wonderful dog who loves me bald

9.  I can still exercise most days and walk Chloe everyday (wish the food part were that easy)

10.  I have many things I love to do including reading,

11.  writing,

12.  knitting,

13.  listening to music,

14.  taking walks,

15.  traveling,

16.  shopping,

17.  being with friends,

18.  talking on the phone,

19.  looking at the eagle cam online (still want to see one for real up close though)

20.  watching reality TV shows and movies

21.  scrap booking, although I need to get going on this

22.  driving anywhere and everywhere

23.  going to Tiger games

24.  .............. and so many more things

25.  I got to retire this year but still come to work and be with great staff and kids a few days a week

26.  I get hugs from kids every single day I work...... that's so GREAT

27.  The doctors continue to say I will beat cancer...I really want to believe them

28.  I have my sense of humor (most days)

29.  I love flowers, especially daffodils

28.  I love sunshine and warm weather, especially if it comes more than one day in a row!

29.  I love Tiger baseball

30.  I love Michigan State basketball

31.  I have a lovely home and great neighbors

32.  I have a best friend in Florida who lets me come visit whenever I can get there

33. I miss my mom so very much but am glad that she doesn’t have to go through this cancer with me…. she would have worried WAY too much

34.  Even though my body aches most days from chemo, I can still do anything I want to do

35.  I still have my eyelashes and eyebrows…. so far  : )

36.  I am getting used to the idea of being bald, good timing since when it gets hot outside I don’t think wearing a wig is going to happen

37.  The sun is out today

38.  The grass is starting to turn green

39.  Birds are building a nest in my awning once again this year….they make a mess but the babies are darling

40.  I have goldfinches coming to my bird feeder and they are starting to turn yellow

41.  I love animals……birds, whales, elephants are my favorites

42.  I have had the opportunity during my life to visit many of the 50 states and even a few other countries….still lots more places I want to go…..Hawaii to see the whales is one of them

43.  I love to listen to music and sing (loudly when I am alone)

44.  I was able to complete a half-marathon a few years ago and that had been a life-long dream….. not sure what my next challenge will be after I beat cancer

45.  I love magical moments.  There are magical things all around us each and every day if we just look for them…..spiders weaving incredible webs,

46.  fireflies in the summer,

47.  snowflakes that are beyond miraculous,

48.  sunrises and sunsets

49.  ….… there are so many things to be grateful for (was going to try to get to 57 but it’s too nice out and I want to go for a walk)

50.  Birthdays are fun, even when you are 57!

Another one bites the dust.....

Nine to go.  Went quickly today.

Next week I get to talk to doctor.  Need to get some answers about what's going on (or shall I say what's NOT going on) so I look forward to that.

These weekly treatments are starting to piss me off!!!

I just am SO done with this......seriously!  I am exhausted, can't sleep, don't have the energy to do anything that lasts more than a few minutes.  I feel like I am 80 years old.  I just finish with one treatment on Monday, then I have to get blood work on Friday (which they can't seem to get out of me again), and then it's Monday all over again..........bother, crap, $%*#%@#$!

Not to mention that nothing is happening to the tumor.  I'm trying to be patient it's really disheartening.

On a positive note, it was pretty outside today.  It sure is hot to have anything on my head tho....gonna go bald I think!

Six down, ten to go.

Man, a week goes by quickly.  Things went well again today.  Even took lots less time.  Very sad that they are so busy in there.  So many people with cancer.

I love the pre-drugs that make me sleepy.  I even dozed a bit today.  Can't believe with it as busy an noisy that I did.  Con said I didn't snore.  Hopefully she's telling the truth!!!  Think I was tired since I didn't sleep much last night.

Now if the gloomy weather would go away we could have a nice week off!!!

Another day!

I am so damn tired of being emotional.  I know I get this way when I am overtired but I am SO SICK OF IT.  Met with the plastic surgeon today.  Thought I had it all figured out (there I go thinking I am in control again) and everything I thought was going to happen was basically changed today.  I really liked the plastic surgeon but he said that because of my weight, the procedure that I was hoping for, and planing on, would be far too risky.  It just hit me really hard.  I have worked hard for several years to get the weight off and it just isn't good enough.

The best part of the day was having some really kind friends and a super sister who listened to me talk, cry, and get it out.  I continue to be so blessed....even when I am emotional.

Five Down, Eleven to go!

LOOONNNGGGG day but I didn't have a reaction to the new drugs so that was very good.  It will be another long week next Monday but then if I still don't have a reaction it will get much faster after that.

Weekly treatments will be a pain but things are moving along.  Meet with a plastic surgeon tomorrow to talk about my new boobs.  Fun!

Happy Hour in the Villages!

Had a blast in Florida. It was sunny and 85 degrees every day. Sorry the weather in Michigan was stinky! Here's a picture of us having a margarita.  It was wonderful to relax and spend time with Lynn!

My bald head was safe with really good sunscreen but it was nice to feel and be in the sun.  I didn't realize how much I needed to just get away and stop thinking about everything.

New drugs and weekly treatments start Monday the 28th.  I am a little nervous about the possibility of a reaction.  I know the risk is very small but once again, the fear of the unknown and the realization of three months without a break is creeping into my mind and taking over.  STOP!!!!!!!!!

Time for a break....YES!!!

Made it through the last of what I "believe" will be my yucky weeks.  It was the roughest yet.  The fatigue hit hard.  It's really hard to describe the feeling I had....like I just couldn't move.  It's just so incredibly strange.  I even took naps this week and I NEVER do that.  Didn't really help much but had to try.

The mental part got to me again this week.  There are so many stories, commercials, and information about cancer on TV.  So many stories about people losing their battle with cancer.  I just got scared again.  Really scared.  I think the fact that the tumor isn't responding to the chemo yet makes me question everything once again.  I am trying to believe, I am trying to have faith, but it is so incredibly hard.

The best news I have is that I am getting away for a few days.  I have until the 28th until the weekly treatments start and once that happens I will be tied down for three months so this is the PERFECT time to escape.  I found really cheap flights to Florida and will be leaving for a few days to stay with Lynn at her place in Florida.  She has a pool, I have my sunscreen, the temps will be in the 80's........don't think it can get much better than that!!!

Not sure I will post anything (unless it's a lovely picture by her pool to make you all jealous....sorry, I know that's hateful but they said I can be a bitch, remember!)  Seriously, maybe a sunny picture will make you feel better about all of the rain and sleet you are going to have this week.  Sorry about that!

Check out my dammit doll!

This the message that came with it.....very funny!  Thanks Dawn, it makes me laugh every time I look at it.

When you're feeling angry
And you just need to vent.
When your body is tired
And your mind is spent.

When you want to climb the wall,
And stand right up and shout.
There's a little Dammit Doll
You cannot do without.

Just grasp it firmly by the legs,
And fina a place to slam it.
And as you whack the stuffing out
Yell, "Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"

If dammit is not a word you say
Then twist it's little neck
And grumble out repeatedly
"Oh Heck, Oh Heck, Oh Heck!"

Copyright © 2007 Busy Fingers Crafts
Do Not Copy


Very funny.  Things like this help me keep my sense of humor.  Headed back to St. Joe's today for another echocardiogram.  I guess the next round of chemo drugs is hard on your heart so they need to double check to be sure my heart is still ok after the first round.  I am just FINE!!!

Four down, 12 to go.

Round one done.  I feel such incredible relief.  Had fun today.  Connie was reading and so my entertainment was interrupting her.  Sad huh?  The nurse asked Connie if she was my daughter...........SERIOUSLY??????????  Of course that made Connie's day and pissed me off.  Not really, she was a really nice nurse and things went well.  I know I have to get through the end of the week and feeling yucky but knowing that I am done with these two drugs makes me really happy.

Dawn Peacock stopped by to visit.  She's been through this and has been a big support so it was nice to see her.  She gave me something called "A Dammit Doll."  Hilarious!  I will take a picture and write the message in the next day or so.

I went to lunch with Con and Betty Koczman (who I haven't seen in a long time) and it was a really nice time.  Ended the meal with this incredible brownie bite.  TOTALLY worth the calories and a good way to celebrate the end of round #1.

Chemo tomorrow....hooorayyyyyy!

Kinda pathetic isn't it?  I am excited about chemo tomorrow because it means the first round is going to be over.  YES!!!

Met with a different surgeon today

I think I am going to like her.  She does a lot more breast surgery and spent a good deal of time answering questions and helping me understand things.  I feel MUCH better about her than the first surgeon we met with so..........here's a tentative plan for "after chemo."

My last chemo treatment is scheduled for Monday, June 13th (OH  HELL  YES  I  AM  LOOKING  FORWARD  TO  THAT  DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I will have to let me body recover for a month which means that surgery at the earliest will be July 13th (which is Connie's birthday and she said I cannot do it on that day) so sometime after the middle of July will be surgery.

I will be in the hospital anywhere from 2-? days depending on what they decide to do.

Recovery from surgery and healing will take 8 weeks (seriously, that seems like a really long time) which puts it mid to late September.

Radiation will start mid to late September and last for seven weeks sooooooooo.......

.....that means the earliest this crap will be done is mid November.........stupid cancer!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I am at least glad that I have more information and that I have a rough idea of what will be happening.  I also already have an appointment with a plastic surgeon later this month.  That'll be fun picking out new boobs huh?

Rainy Days....love them

Day off, sitting in my chair, reading a really good book, snuggled under a blanket, listening to the rain

..... cancer isn't making me mad today

.....I am not thinking about it!

Better day

So many of you were wondering what was up with me.  Yesterday was a little frustrating.  Took a really long time, every time I get settled and started on something, they come to do something else....just not very patient.  Meeting with Dr. Beekman was a little frustrating too because the tumor is apparently not shrinking and the breast itself is different.  It's a little disheartening when you are going through this and it's not getting better.  She's thinking of possibly not doing the last treatment and just starting the other one.  Just not sure what's up.

But today it was nice to see the kids and staff.  The after school group was treated to a yoga lesson and they were PERFECT.  So totally into what she was doing and every one of them tried so hard.

Then I got home and my sister told me to look at her farm in Farm Town (a really cool I Pad app) and check out what she did with her crops!!!
The purple flowers say "Love U"

What a special sister I have!!!  I have a pretty special brother too.