Still hanging in here

Feeling a little funky today but nothing I can't handle so far.  Thanks for all of the texts, e-mails, and messages checking up on me.  Had to go get the Neulasta shot today....supposedly helps with white blood cell count but will make my body sore tomorrow.....we'll see.  My chest is really sore from the "little" port procedure.  The whole thing is turning purple...sooooo pretty.  Can't imagine when they do the REAL surgery.  They'd better have some really good drugs for that.

Got a little freaked out while trying to figure out insurance stuff.  It seems that every single time that I see the doctor, I will have to pay $30.  I may also have to pay $150 for each of the tests I've had.  I can't even imagine how people do this without insurance. I know it'll all work out and it's not like I have a choice.......but it scares me.  Still trying to work out the genetic testing.  Very tiring!

Hope I can go to work tomorrow.  Need to get moving and see some darling kids faces.

One down, 15 more to go...

Here's a "Day 1" picture.  Will take another on the last day.  I am home....... a bit tired and sore....... but just fine.

Apparently the steroids and all the anti-nausea meds will keep me fine for the weekend.  Sounds like Monday and  Tuesday will be the days things crash.  It's ok, "I'm Going To Live!"

Feel weird tonight.  On one hand I am relieved that things are now underway.  On the other hand I realize that there is no turning back now and five months is a long time.  One day at a time right?

I am so hopeful that the treatments will shrink this stupid tumor.  The MRI results came back in and show that the tumor has doubled in size in the last month.  I want it to go away!

Connie was wonderful today (except for when they talked about anal itch....she was naughty then!!!) as were all of the great surprises in the basket from the Symons staff.  If it weren't for the nurse who thought she needed to talk all day, I would have had more time to play.

I am so incredibly blessed.

Everythig is just fine!

They put the port in this morning, told me they were going to give me happy drugs but I think they lied. I didn't even get a buzz! Damn! Can't lift anything over 10 pounds for two weeks. Poor Chloe!

I am sitting in the chemo room right now trying to play with all the cool things I brought along but this goofy nurse won't stop talking to me. So far all they've given me three different nausea drugs (that's good) but haven't started the good stuff. Takes forever.

Patience. I am working on it.

Forgot one (damn chemobrain).....weight gain or loss of appetite

Ok, so what are my chances that after being fat most of my life and still needing to lose 70+ pounds, that I would be fortunate enough to actually have a loss of appetite??????

I'd say not very good!

The only thing that may save me is that I am TERRIBLY afraid of throwing up so just maybe I will be very careful about what I eat and will not gain.

That's a plan.  Hope it works.

Chemotherapy side effects.....Chemobrain....SERIOUSLY????

Ok, so I had to read the book they gave me to read about what to expect with chemotherapy (kind of one of those "What To Expect When You're Expecting" types of books).  Since I can't seem to sleep right now (one of the potential side effects) I decided to read it in the middle of the night.

The good news is that I have had most of the symptoms this week........fatigue, diarrhea, insomnia, pain, hair loss (I found one in the sink) and since I have survived all of these this week it MUST mean that chemotherapy won't be too bad right?

That being said, the one that intrigues me the most is chemobrain.  It says you may suffer from memory loss, forget names, walk into a room and forget what you went in there for, often feel confused, lose things.... now I don't know about you but apparently I have had chemobrain for many years and THAT'S not a good sign especially when they give you a list of things to do to lessen the effects and I do 9 out of 10 of them already.

I am warning you all now that if I forget your name, make lots of typos in my posts, and appear confused, it's not my fault......it's CHEMOBRAIN!!!

Kids react

Today was my first day at school after the kids learned about my breast cancer.  The reactions of kids (like the reactions from most adults) varied widely.  Kids looked relieved to see me.  Many just smiled and shyly said hi.  Some didn't know what to say.  I got lots of darling cards on my desk and throughout the day....priceless messages.........lots of hugs and get well wishes.  It's seems to be easier for kids to say what they think.  They want to know I am there when I am supposed to be there.  They want to know I am ok and that I will be ok.

The funniest reaction to the kids at school came from a third grade girl who came up to me, gave me a hug (she was just about boob height)  : ) and said, "Miss Tetens, I hope your breast feels better really soon."  I told her I hope so soon.

Kids are great!

one more thing

.....ok, so I lied.....I have to tell you about one more thing tonight and then I am taking the week off.

Let me tell you about the breast MRI I had today...... obviously designed by a MAN with a VERRRRRRY sick sense of humor.

First you have to lay on your stomach.
Then you have to put your boobs in these two holes.
Then you put your head on this cushion face down.
Then the machine backs you into the little tiny tube where your ass (apparently my BIG ASS) is literally wedged in.
Then they make you hold still for 30-40 minutes.

At first I sort of panicked because I couldn't get a good breath....seriously, I was wedged in...more motivation to lose some weight.  Then because this test was so important, I simply willed myself to relax and just let it happen.  By the time it was done I was dripping wet from sweat, afraid that I would be stuck in there forever, but I made it out safe and sound.

I do think that while I am going through chemo I will be inventing a similar machine to use on a man's "special" parts......anyone want to help me???

I'M GOING TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have breast cancer, I am going to go through many months of crap but today that doesn't matter.  Today is a WONDERFUL day.  Today I found out that the tests came back and they have no reason to believe that there is cancer anywhere else in my body except in the lymph nodes and breast.  I asked her to tell me if  I was going to live and she said "absolutely" and she is planning on curing this cancer.

I can't begin to tell you the relief that I am feeling right now.  To know it's not stage four, to know she believes it can be cured, to know I am going to live.........I am so grateful, so thankful, and so very blessed.

I will be taking time off from the blog.  Need some time to think of something else and nothing happens until next Friday morning at 7:00am when they put the port in (she said I should get good drugs that will make me loopy so I won't know what they are doing......good because it freaks me out), I meet with her at 10:30 to double check the blood tests and go over the MRI and echocardiogram results, and then chemo at 1:00.  Sounds like it will be an exhausting day but I will post something so you know everything went well.  In the meantime, have a great weekend.  I know I will!

Two more things to check off.....

Had a CT scan and a bone scan today.  Other than sitting there for four+ hours it was no big deal.  During the CT scan they injected something that made you feel warm all over and the girl said it would make me think I had to go to the bathroom.  I felt like telling her that I am 56 years old, I feel like I have to pee all the time!  For the bone scan I had to drink this stuff that gave me diarrhea (more info that you probably needed right???)  Maybe it'll make me lose a little weight.....see, I am looking for the positives in everything!!!

I meet with Dr. Beekman in the morning to get the test results so far.......extra prayers tonight that nothing is found elsewhere.  Tomorrow an MRI and an echocardiogram and then I am supposed to be done until chemo day - next Friday, January 28th.  Hope so.

Marathon Cooking Day

I think that I have it in my head that once chemo starts I won't be doing anything for five months.  Logically I know that's not the case but regardless, because I don't KNOW what to expect, I am spending my free time planning ahead.....makes me feel better....something I can control.  Today I cooked and cooked, and cooked..... now have over 40 meals frozen and ready for whenever I don't want to cool.  For those of you who know me well, you know how I hate to cool but doing it this way means I don't have to worry about it for a while.  LOVE IT!!!


All my tests, except for the genetic testing, are scheduled for this week so I will be putting lots of miles on my car this week and for the next seven or eight months.   Unfortunately chemo won't start until Friday the 28th so it's another waiting game for almost two weeks.

Connie and I went and ordered a wig today.  Should be in soon.  Hope it grows on me.  Don't like the idea though.

Bosom buddies

Lynn is going home to her family today.  She thought this is a beautiful picture of us.....I'm not so sure of that.

I will miss her but I think her family wants her back.  It's been nice to have company, a distraction, a sounding board.

Thanks for everything buddy!  Love you!!!!!

I love my oncology doctor

That's a good thing because we will be working together for a really long time!!!  LOTS of information shared today but this wonderful woman sat with us for almost two hours explaining the results, talking through everything and was so incredibly kind.  I was glad to have Connie and Lynn with me.  They will be treating my cancer very aggressively since it appears to be an aggressive cancer......works for me, kill that sucker.

Monday I will have all of the tests scheduled to determine whether it is anywhere else in my body.  They will also do an echo cardio something or other to make sure my heart is ok (no smart ass comments please!) The tests will take place early next week (except for the genetic testing that has to get insurance approval first and I have to meet with a genetic counselor) Next Friday I will hopefully receive the results from the CAT scan, the blood work, and the bone scan.

My chemo will start early in the week of January 24th.  They are going to put in a port that will stay there for a long time.....I am trying not to wig out about what that is....ewwwww!!!!!!

The first round of chemo will last for two months....one treatment every two weeks (my hair will fall out on day 14...........shit) and the second round will last three months with a once a week treatment.  That gets me to summer where I will be looking at surgery (which may change after the genetic testing results are back).  Following recovery from surgery I will be having radiation therapy daily for 5-7 weeks.  I will be somewhat "occupied" until the fall.

Some of the medication will continue for a year or more.  You might think I feel overwhelmed but I actually feel pretty good tonight.  I have some answers, I have a plan, I know what's going to happen.  I said all along that they could do whatever is needed as long as I will live.

I  WILL  LIVE!!!!!

I'm not going to say a word

Only because it wouldn't be nice.  I got a call from the Dr.'s office this morning saying they are not sure why I was scheduled for an appointment tomorrow because the doctor isn't working tomorrow.

Now I will wait until Friday afternoon.

Not saying a thing.

Nothing new...

.....waiting for oncologist appt. Thurs.  So tired of waiting.

Oh my, looking at wigs

We went wig shopping today.... the ugliest part was putting on the skull cap before putting on the wigs.  Let's just say I will be BUTT UGLY when I am bald.  We actually found several pretty ones (not this one tho....this was a funny pic of us!)

Prices are interesting......thought I'd look at human hair wigs......NOT!!!  I will stick with a synthetic wig because prices are much more reasonable and they are actually quite nice, once you get used to something on your head and the itching.  I'm sure that once there is no hair it'll feel better.

I did find a T-shirt I think would be a hoot to wear.  Do you think Bryan would let me wear it to school???

Really low day, ended nice though

Apparently I needed a good cry today....did it a bunch.  Cried after going to the gym because I can't do what I am used to do with regards to working out.  Cried after asking for some information about wigs and making some calls......mind you I will most likely lose a breast and that hasn't bothered me (yet) but I cry over my hair even though it will come back.  Cried at the doctors office because he put me back on blood pressure medicine.  Blood pressure has been crazy lately...........HELLO you just told me I have cancer, what do you think it will be!!!  Cried to the doctor because my body hurts and aches and I am so damn tired all the time.  He said it's normal.  Cried asking him if I was going crazy.  He assured me that I was not.  I guess that's a positive huh?

Lynn and I are going to get our PJ's on and watch "Under The Tuscan Sun" (love this movie)  Tomorrow we are going to look at wigs and hopefully find something to laugh about.....I always wanted to be a red head!!!

Beast Cancer Apple Pie....check it out!!!

Check out the breast cancer logo on the apple pie Lynn made for us today.  Oh my gosh is it DELICIOUS!!!!  Lynn can cook, BIG TIME!!!!

We can't eat dinner because we ate a big piece and it had 100's of calories in it but I don't care, it was really worth it.

I certainly won't recommend getting breast cancer but if you do, find a best friend who is willing to be with you and do dorky things like Lynn does!!!

It helps.

Ok, so I'm a bit calmer now.....

A really nice nurse called me tonight.  Her position is called a "Nurse Negotiator" and she is a cancer survivor.  I feel bad for her in that I pretty much vented my frustration.  She was incredibly kind and helped explain what most likely will be happening in the next few months.  While I HATE to wait, HATE to delay, HATE the unknown, I feel FAR better knowing what could potentially be going on in the next weeks and months.

Here's what most likely will happen......it will take around three weeks to get into the oncologist, be sent for further testing to determine if cancer from the lymph nodes has spread anywhere else (this most likely will include blood work, a bone scan, and CT scan)  It also may include genetic testing because of family history of cancer and the fact that our mother had breast cancer at age 29.

After all the test results are back in we will most likely start chemotherapy. It usually means one treatment every two weeks over the course of two months.  (I'm not yet reading about what this involves because I don't want to freak out over yet another thing.)  After chemo is finished depending on the results they may continue for another round or try something else.  It will be at least two months but could last four months.  Then I would go back to the surgeon for surgery.  Depending on the results of genetic testing which could take 2 - 4 months to come back, surgery may be more or less invasive than originally planned but we'll think about that later!

So, it looks like three weeks before any treatment will begin, at least two months of treatment, and then surgery after that followed by radiation.  Should be all done and cancer free by summer.  I certainly don't want to mess up my summer vacation!!!  How's that for positive thinking???

ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Will have to wait another week to get into the oncologist and the only reason they got me in that early is because I am going to the Chelsea office to meet with her.

I am insanely frustrated, scared, and worried.  Even though it is a common cancer, its been there for who knows how long and the waiting game is not ok.

DOCTOR PEOPLE, I have this thing going on inside that's not supposed to be there and it needs to be taken out.  Even the surgeon seemed like it was no big deal to wait a while.  It's a BIG deal for me.

If I didn't have Lynn and Connie and all of your support I would be even more frustrated than I am right now.  Just so you know, cancer is REALLY pissing me off today!!!

I'm not unique.....

..........normally that would bother me but in this case I am thrilled!  The breast cancer I have (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) is the most common of all of the types of breast cancers so that's good.  There is also cancer in the lymph node they biopsied.  I was expecting lots more news today but they really didn't give me any more information other than it's cancer.....duh, I knew that!!!

I met with the surgeon and he basically said the same thing.  The plan at this point is to go to an oncologist for more tests (hopefully to determine if it's anywhere else) and possibly to start some type of treatment prior to surgery.

The waiting game continues but I guess that I will start being satisfied with little, tiny bits of information.  The ability to be patient is going to test me daily.  In the meantime, I am just fine.

Pissy mood!

Was told I'd hear the results of the biopsies today.  Lynn and Connie have been with me all day today but after calling several times, it seems as though the results are not yet ready.  Needless to say I am soooooo frustrated, angry, impatient, and ready to scream.  I am being a total grouch to Connie and Lynn and I feel so bad.  Thanks to Karen we have several games to play.....that's helped pass the time.  It's been a long time since I've played Racko and Yahtzee.

It's also a beautiful day so I need to get over it, enjoy the good company, and enjoy these moments.

Hard though.

A little New Year's humor.....

It's so nice to laugh, to have moments where I totally forget what the heck is going on.  It's short lived but I enjoy those moments.  Lynn and I took a short road trip and went up to Birch Run, Bronner's, and the Bavarian Inn today.  Colder than anything but so nice to get away.

I figured out why most likely I never married........ Lynn got here Thursday.  She kept saying that she was here for me.....that "It's all about you."  After living with me for three days she is pretty much being mean, telling me to shut up, and I think she really doesn't care if I live or die.

NOT REALLY!!!!!  She makes me laugh.  She helps me enjoy the moment.  She helps me see the beauty in everything.  Love your friends in 2011.

Poor MSU........

Now THAT'S real pain!!!